We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
i came on her dog
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
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