I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
