Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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