If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
