i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
