At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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