i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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