porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
