Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
