I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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