Ketchup is God's man juice
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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