hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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