why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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