I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
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Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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