On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
