My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
