People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
