she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I FOUND THE LEGS
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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