Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
