I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I fill condoms, not promises.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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