I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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