I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
