I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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