i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
