I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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