I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
