Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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