3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
