Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
