Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Randomize
