I was born with a shot glass in my hand
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
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I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
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We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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