Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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