i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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