I could have mohawked her pubes.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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