I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
My ass is underappreciated
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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