I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
false alarm. still invincible.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Randomize
