I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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