But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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