I think scott just propositioned me for sex
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
