Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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