I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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