So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
