Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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