A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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