Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
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