in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
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