My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
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no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
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The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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