we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
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