Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
