I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
