toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
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