come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
