I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
