She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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