oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
