My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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