i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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