I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
