i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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